Everyone's got blogs! I've just realized that I know a handful of people who publish meticulously crafted sentences containing their opinions on the always handy interwebs.

Thusly, they have been linked on the side there. This is by no means a ploy to gain the sympathy of my more successful blogging companions in the hopes that they will provide links back to my own little corner of these digital lands! Perish the thought.
On an unrelated note, greetings new visitors! Let me be your guide! BOW UNTO ME AND FEED FROM MY TROUGH OF SWEET BOUNTIES.

Why is it that the concept of a trough is pretty gross sounding? Maybe it's just me, but stuff doesn't seem so good if it's served in a trough. Let's just forget the trough already.

It's become obvious I have nothing more of value to contribute to this particular article. Henceforth, I shall stop. I don't know if that's the correct way to use "henceforth" or not, but whatever. Thusly.

Labels: live

I generally pride myself on being sure of foot, not only on even ground, but also on unusual turf that undulates in unsymmetrical ways. Unfortunately the current tilt of this planet has resulted in environmental conditions that have slowly but surely forged the local landscape into a veritable labyrinth of frozen crags and gullies, putting both my inner ear and my penny loafer purchase to the test.

I don't actually wear penny loafers. I only adore half-assed attempts at alliteration, at the expense of realistic portrayals. Anyways...

The other day my company-condoned clodhoppers (hehehe) lost their tentative grip on Earth's crust due to slippery conditions on the back road, and I plummeted to the deck like Red Leader's Incom T-65 X-wing starfighter into the surface of the first Death Star. I survived the impact though. I bounced back from that without a mark on me. I'm like Bruce Willis from Unbreakable.

The TTC is a mess, of course. Streetcars are messed up because of random weather-related nonsense. Like power losses that line up twenty streetcars to block up regular traffic and inconvenience me oh so horribly. They ran a shuttle bus instead. The dude didn't have a sign on his bus saying where it was going, pulled into the wrong spot, and proceeded to get angry when people asked where his bus was going. Serious.

Car crashes too. It's interesting how a simple dented car or two on the tracks can cripple the system.

I had to get off the thing and walk the rest of the way home, a task that took a half hour extra, and, interestingly enough, the streetcars still hadn't resumed to pass me and interrupt my trudge with a flash of irritation.

It's cool though, I can still get around-ish. I can still get to places. Locations, if you will. I got to Indigo, and I got the Promise of the Witch-King in hardcover for eight bucks. That's because it was on sale, and I also had iRewards. I got to BMV books and got some Star Wars comics, the old Marvel ones. Yes. I also got to the World's Biggest Bookstore and got the Lando Calrissian Adventures. You know why I did that last one?

Because Lando Calrissian is the fucking DUDE.

Labels: live, rant

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to tell you about something quite extraordinary. This thing I'm about to speak of is not for the faint of heart. Your innards must be forged in steel to withstand the mighty awesomeness of the following concept...

The Epic Speech of the Twelve Kingdoms is upon you! Speak only in the words of the far away lands of adventure! Your pitiful peasant existence can be renounced by discoursing in the dialect of the Dragon Lords! You appeal for an anecdote? BEHOLD!

"You must go! But before you forge your foray to the furthest of the forbidden fjords, you must adorn your extremities with implements of incising! You will find the mystical broadsword in the cursed hills to the frigid north, where I hid it many years ago while escaping the dread witches who would stop at nothing to reclaim it for their vile coven!

Upon acquiring your blade, you shall embark on a endeavor to save the Twelve Kingdoms from the unholy madness which threatens to undo all that can be undone! Beware of the brigands and bandits who would snatch your gold pieces on the back roads, and do not trust the trail-side tellers of fortunes who's tricks would lead you astray! Your path must remain TRUE!

Go forth to these realms I have spoken of, and do not forget to bring back the silks and spices that will make you a HERO amongst the good people of the land! Your regal features will no doubt be emblazoned on the back of our precious pieces of eight once you have shown the King that you are worthy of such honours!

...*cough*....so um....have a good night, Chris, and I'll ah....see you tomorrow at work."

Talk like this. It makes your day that much more interesting.

Labels: live, write

I was going to let it go with that last cop-out posting for the day, but I just had to come back for more. I re-discovered a soul-shattering activity today. Cleaning! Fuck, I hate cleaning. Cleaning needs to DIAF, if you catch my drift (that's "die in a fire" if that drift passed you by).

Cleaning sucks mooseballs. For serious. Today my girlfriend suggested that cleaning my apartment would be a good idea. I thought this was a silly proposition indeed, as I was still basking in my post-birthday state of lethargy. Yes, it was my birthday yesterday. I am now an astronomical twenty and four years old. Oh well. At least twenty-four is better than a googolplex.

Anyways, my apartment did need a good clean, as I'd let it drift into a state approaching a bio-hazard. She insisted on cleaning the washroom, and in the end, I let her do that. I know, I know, the whole "Matt, how could you let your girlfriend clean your washroom?!" bit, but she insisted I tell you! It's like she thought I would do an unsatisfactory job or something. I can't help it if I'm easily distracted by gleaming objects. Not that anything was exactly gleaming in that washroom, but that's beside the point.

So while she did that, I dusted and tidied the rest of the joint. Dust is so stupid. I mean, what is dust? It's little particles of random stuff coming off of other stuff or something. We have too much stuff these days. I bet cavemen didn't have to worry about dust.

After all that nonsense was over, the place looked pretty sweet, and it still does (hopefully I can keep it that way for a while). And just to illustrate that I'm not a total jerk, I did indeed go with her to her house to help her do her weekly chores and clean up over there. I can now say with truth in my voice that I've vacuumed carpets at a sorority house.

How you take that last statement will say a lot about your mental state, so be wary of the fact that you may be as warped as I am.

Labels: live, rant

So a while ago I was dancing around to "Along Comes Mary" while brushing my teeth. Don't ask, I was in a weird mood. Anyways, I stumbled a bit and almost fell and lodged the toothbrush into my brain. Let this be a lesson to you kids out there.

While I finished brushing, I thought about what would've happened if I actually DID lodge my toothbrush into my brain, and my life flashed before my eyes.

Like that time I rescued those damsels in distress from the the great red dragon's keep on Mount Magnaheroth.

Or the time I saved the the quiet mountain village of Teegan's Heep from that cascading avalanch by planting an impenetrable wall of pine trees along the snowy borders.

Who could forget that time that I single-handedly defeated the rampaging deathbots of Fyrox VII?

Then of course, there was that stretch where I kayaked through the treacherous waters surrounding the north pole, rescuing polar bears from evil poachers.

Ah, what about that time I journeyed to the center of the Earth by way of shovel, to save the last of the Dinosaurian people from certain extinction?

Or even the week I spent negotiating with the water-consuming beings of Hydropia, trying to dissuade them from drinking the Atlantic Ocean...that was classic!

Finally, I don't think anything will ever be quite as memorable as the time I battled a genetically engineered triceratops while riding the mighty modern rhinocerous.

Actually, none of that happened. Except for the toothbrush thing.

Labels: write

Whenever I get angry, or bored, or just when I feel I need to celebrate, nothing beats the warm satisfaction I get from crushing a velociraptor between a palm tree and the grill on the front of my jeep. But the fun doesn't stop there!

Next it's time to deploy a giant glowing spike-ball on a huge chain from the aft hatch of my off-road deathmobile to snare the fresh corpse, dragging it through the foliage and underbrush to a glowing pillar of light that sends it floating off to velociraptor heaven.

Alternatively, I might deploy the spike-ball first and snag one of those fine-feathered bipeds trying to escape the gruesome frenzy of my senseless vendetta, just to hear the savory crunch of a prehistoric femur turning to powder.

Try Off-Road Velociraptor Safari to satiate your salacity for saurian-slaughter. Nothing's more awesome then death from above at 100mph.

Labels: play, write