The TTC is the public transportation system in Toronto. It consists of subways, streetcars, and buses. There is a fascinating and annoying variety of people who use the system, which I've organized into the following types, with handy solutions on getting around them. Let's find out, together!

TYPE A: NORMIES

Those who exhibit what can be called "normal behaviour" in transit riders. That is, those who keep their yaps shut while reading or listening to music and make neither visual nor physical contact with anyone else. They limit themselves to one seat, put their bags on their lap or the ground in front of them, and only go to the exit when they plan to leave the vehicle.

Suggested non-violent solution:
None.

Suggested violent solution:
None.

TYPE B: IDIOTS

Idiots play their music out loud on their personal devices, which are completely devoid of bass and suffer from an abundance of treble. They put their bags on the seats next to them, or stretch out over the seats next to them, or otherwise conduct themselves in a manner that blocks seats around them, rendering them unavailable to others. Idiots sometimes travel in packs, and are capable of annoying people all the way down at the other end of the vehicle with their antics. Alcohol is sometimes a factor in the severity of their idiocy.
Suggested non-violent solution:
Increase distance, increase volume on mp3 player.

Suggested violent solution:
Blows to the head and upper body, vulgarity.

TYPE C: MORONS

Morons are dangerous in their ignorance of the world. They rush into the vehicle while everyone else is trying to get off (a major faux pas indeed, one that will likely get you yelled at by other riders). Once aboard, they like to cluster around the exits, even though they have no plans to vacate the vehicle anytime soon. They further impede traffic by stopping at the front or middle of the narrow passages through busses and streetcars, seemingly oblivious to those behind them who are now trapped. They also like to wear their bulky backpacks in packed vehicles, sometimes swinging them into the unsuspecting faces of others. They are easily confused by how the "stop request" and "door open" systems work.

Suggested non-violent solution:
Show patience, request behaviour modification, volunteer information

Suggested violent solution:
Deck them.

TYPE D: FOOLS

Fools know what they're doing is annoying, but they do it anyways, due to what they consider to be a lack of alternatives. They bring large, ungainly items onto cramped vehicles, and try to hide the fact that they're toting it around by holding it as close to them as possible. This, however, isn't good enough. Fools bring their bikes onto vehicles, automatically blocking three or four empty seats or trapping people in three or four full seats. They also try to hide their incredibly oversized mobile child carriers in main aisleways. Sometimes those carriers are doubly as wide, for extra offsping. Also, the squirming spawn that dwells within is often none too quiet. Fools are sometimes apologetic for their foolishness, but do not waver in your disapproval.

Suggested non-violent solution:
Smile, nod, then edge past and retreat to safe distance.

Suggested violent solution:
Baby punching. May cause uproar.

TYPE E: THE ELDERLY

The elderly are shambling, confused prune people, who can exhibit the traits of idiots, morons AND fools all at once. Their apparent feebleness or sense of entitlement (or both) may force you to vacate your seat so they can rest their weary bones and not lose their balance while trying to stand on a moving vehicle. After all, any accidents of that nature will turn their hip bones to powder and send their dentures flying off to an undisclosed location. When travelling in packs, they tend to be quite loud. They love to prod at the babies of strangers and don't trust dogs.

Suggested non-violent solution:
Give in to demands, then increase distance and find happy place.

Suggested violent solution:
Throw up the horns. Old people fear Satan.

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